SFF Speed Dating

In celebration of Kate‘s Saturday wedding, let’s cast a romantic eye toward our favorite fantasy/science fiction characters… Imagine a speed dating night… Picture a room filled with some of your favorite characters zipping from table to table, conversing a moment or two, then moving on at the ring of a bell to the next ever-hopeful romantic spirit. If we could eavesdrop on a conversation or two, what might we hear?

Feel free to give us one conversation or several.
I’ve started you off with one possibility below.

fantasy book reviews science fiction book reviews[Seated at the table:  Arwen]


Arwen: Hi, I’m Arwen.
Date #1:  I am Groot.
Arwen: So Groot, what do you do for work?
Date #1:  I am Groot.
Arwen: Uh huh. Well, where are you from?
Date #1:  I am Groot.
Arwen: Mmmhmmm. You kind of remind me of a Mallorn I once climbed.
Date #1:  I am Groot.
[Lengthy silence.]


Arwen: Hi, I’m Arwen.
Date #2: Thomas.
Arwen: So Thomas, what do you do for work?
Date #2: I’m a writer, not that it matters.
Arwen: Why doesn’t it matter?
Date #2: You’re not real. None of this is real. I’m not even here.
Arwen: You mean as in we’re all merely pale shadows of what once was in the Undying Lands far to the West?
Date #2: As in this is just some nightmare I’ll wake up from to find out I’m still a leper


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BILL CAPOSSERE, who's been with us since June 2007, lives in Rochester NY, where he is an English adjunct by day and a writer by night. His essays and stories have appeared in Colorado Review, Rosebud, Alaska Quarterly, and other literary journals, along with a few anthologies, and been recognized in the "Notable Essays" section of Best American Essays. His children's work has appeared in several magazines, while his plays have been given stage readings at GEVA Theatre and Bristol Valley Playhouse. When he's not writing, reading, reviewing, or teaching, he can usually be found with his wife and son on the frisbee golf course or the ultimate frisbee field.

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  1. susan emans /

    Very funny! I will have to think about this.

  2. Scully: Hi, my name’s Dana and… What are those things on your head?

    Loki: I am Loki! I am a god! Tremble in my presence!

    Scully: I need some parameters around “I am a god.” Are you the personification of a natural phenomenon? Are you a Joseph Campbell-style archetype, standing in for deep psychological, primal essences, or are you a conventional representation of a higher spiritual power, with fixed locations for worship, congregations, a liturgy and–

    Loki: Kneel before me!

    Scully: (Picks up phone, makes a call.) Mulder? You’re right. Speed-dating sucks.

  3. Mercy Thompson: Hi, I’m Mercy…What’s your name?
    Date#1: I am He Who Should Not Be Named
    Mercy: That is going to make this more difficult.
    Date#1: Tom…call me Tom
    Mercy: Great, Tom it is then. So, what do you do …Tom?
    Date#1: Well, primarily I like to torment children, one child in particular, how about you?
    Mercy: I’m a mechanic…wait…what did you say?
    Date#1: I can also talk to snakes


    Mercy Thompson: Hi, I’m Mercy. What’s your name, and you look a bit young to be here.
    Date#2: Hi Mercy. My name is Harry, and I go to Hogwarts
    Mercy: Whatever that means. Move along kiddo, and please stop scratching that nasty scab on your forehead
    Date#2: It’s a lightning scar. I got it from an evil wizard, and most girls love it.
    Mercy: Right, I bet they do. That’s completely fascinating stuff, so where’s your mom?
    Date#2: My parents are dead, but I can also talk to snakes

  4. susan emans /

    Those are freaking awesome! I think I’ve got an idea…

  5. E. J. Jones /

    Hermione: Hello, I’m Hermione Granger. Who are . . . Oh! (blushes) Er, hello, Mr . . .

    Howl (with a toothy grin): Hermione! What an unusual name. Wizard Howl Pendragon at your service.

    Hermione: Oh . . . er, it’s so – so lovely to meet you, Mr. – Mr. –

    Howl: Howl Pendragon, Miss Granger. Care for a song? I have my guitar with me.

    Hermione: Wait! Howl Pendragon? I’ve heard of you!

    Howl: I didn’t know my reputation had preceded me –

    Hermione: It’s because I READ! You’ve got a footnote in An Annotated History of Magic! And it says you eat girls’ hearts!

    Howl: Well, it can’t be said they don’t give them to me first –

    Hermione: And what on earth did you do to that suit? It positively reeks of love magic; it’s like you washed it in Amortentia! But Amortentia would stain . . .

    Howl: Oh, this suit? I just had a lady I know work on it a bit. No trouble, really.

    Hermione: A lady you know? And what lady would agree to work love magic on someone who clearly would misuse it? It’s disgusting! (Rings bell.) Leave! Get out now!

    Howl: Ah, if you had a heart in your chest, Hermione Granger, you’d know how badly you’ve just broken mine!

    Hermione: I’d rather have no heart than let you eat it! (After he leaves:) Really, love magic in a suit! Despicable! (Pause.) I’d kill to know how she did it.

  6. susan emans /

    What am I doing here? What was Adam thinking? Really? Mercy has the crazy idea that I need to get out, interact with humans in a social setting to help my control. If I wanted to work on control, I would give up hunting deer for Lent. And speed dating?? How is speed dating a good idea?
    Okay, this first woman is kind of hot in a cougar kind of way. Remember what Mercy said…

    “Hi, I’m Ben.”
    “Hello, Ben. My name is Cruella. That’s a lovely accent you have. I feel oddly drawn to you. Do you have dogs, perhaps a Dalmatian?”
    “No, no dogs.That’s an…interesting coat you have…do you like to read?”

    “Hi, I’m Ben”
    “Hi! I’m Snow. Wow, you’re tall. Do you have any shorter brothers or friends?”
    “Okay. How do you feel about living in the woods?”
    “I love the woods! I spend time in the woods every month.”
    “That’s wonderful! What do you do for a living?”
    “I’m in IT.”
    “Have you ever considered a career in mining?”
    “Do you like to read?”

    “Hi, I’m Buffy…aren’t you a werewolf??”
    “Maybe…do you like to read?”
    *ding ding*

  7. If Shallan from the Stormlight Archive by Brandon Sanderson met Eli Ever from Vicious by V.E. Schwab.

    Shallan: Hello, I’m Shallan.
    Date #1: Likewise. I’m Eli Ever.
    Shallan: It’s nice to meet you Eli. What kind of work do you do?
    Date #1: Are you an EO?
    Shallan: Excuse me, a what?
    Date #1: *begins to lean forward, hands clutching at the table* Have you ever experienced an inexplicable occurrence? Do you believe that you were the cause of it?
    Shallan: *leans away, catching sight of fearspren on the table* I—I think you’re mistaken. In fact I believe I’m the wrong person.
    Shallan: I’m afraid you’ve wasted your time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I really must be going! *gets up from the table and makes a quick exit*
    Shallan: *Vows to never allow Jasnah to talk her into speed dating ever again*

  8. E. J. Jones, if you live in the USA, you win a book of your choice from our stacks.
    Please contact me (Marion) with your choice and a US address. Happy reading!

  9. There may be only one person who gets to choose a book, but you are all winners. There were AWESOME.

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