In celebration of Kate‘s Saturday wedding, let’s cast a romantic eye toward our favorite fantasy/science fiction characters… Imagine a speed dating night… Picture a room filled with some of your favorite characters zipping from table to table, conversing a moment or two, then moving on at the ring of a bell to the next ever-hopeful romantic spirit. If we could eavesdrop on a conversation or two, what might we hear?
Feel free to give us one conversation or several.
I’ve started you off with one possibility below.
[Seated at the table: Arwen]
Ding!
Arwen: Hi, I’m Arwen.
Date #1: I am Groot.
Arwen: So Groot, what do you do for work?
Date #1: I am Groot.
Arwen: Uh huh. Well, where are you from?
Date #1: I am Groot.
Arwen: Mmmhmmm. You kind of remind me of a Mallorn I once climbed.
Date #1: I am Groot.
[Lengthy silence.]
Ding!
Arwen: Hi, I’m Arwen.
Date #2: Thomas.
Arwen: So Thomas, what do you do for work?
Date #2: I’m a writer, not that it matters.
Arwen: Why doesn’t it matter?
Date #2: You’re not real. None of this is real. I’m not even here.
Arwen: You mean as in we’re all merely pale shadows of what once was in the Undying Lands far to the West?
Date #2: As in this is just some nightmare I’ll wake up from to find out I’m still a leper
Ding!
Very funny! I will have to think about this.
Scully: Hi, my name’s Dana and… What are those things on your head?
Loki: I am Loki! I am a god! Tremble in my presence!
Scully: I need some parameters around “I am a god.” Are you the personification of a natural phenomenon? Are you a Joseph Campbell-style archetype, standing in for deep psychological, primal essences, or are you a conventional representation of a higher spiritual power, with fixed locations for worship, congregations, a liturgy and–
Loki: Kneel before me!
Scully: (Picks up phone, makes a call.) Mulder? You’re right. Speed-dating sucks.
Mercy Thompson: Hi, I’m Mercy…What’s your name?
Date#1: I am He Who Should Not Be Named
Mercy: That is going to make this more difficult.
Date#1: Tom…call me Tom
Mercy: Great, Tom it is then. So, what do you do …Tom?
Date#1: Well, primarily I like to torment children, one child in particular, how about you?
Mercy: I’m a mechanic…wait…what did you say?
Date#1: I can also talk to snakes
DING! DING! DING!
———————————–
Mercy Thompson: Hi, I’m Mercy. What’s your name, and you look a bit young to be here.
Date#2: Hi Mercy. My name is Harry, and I go to Hogwarts
Mercy: Whatever that means. Move along kiddo, and please stop scratching that nasty scab on your forehead
Date#2: It’s a lightning scar. I got it from an evil wizard, and most girls love it.
Mercy: Right, I bet they do. That’s completely fascinating stuff, so where’s your mom?
Date#2: My parents are dead, but I can also talk to snakes
DING!
Those are freaking awesome! I think I’ve got an idea…
Hermione: Hello, I’m Hermione Granger. Who are . . . Oh! (blushes) Er, hello, Mr . . .
Howl (with a toothy grin): Hermione! What an unusual name. Wizard Howl Pendragon at your service.
Hermione: Oh . . . er, it’s so – so lovely to meet you, Mr. – Mr. –
Howl: Howl Pendragon, Miss Granger. Care for a song? I have my guitar with me.
Hermione: Wait! Howl Pendragon? I’ve heard of you!
Howl: I didn’t know my reputation had preceded me –
Hermione: It’s because I READ! You’ve got a footnote in An Annotated History of Magic! And it says you eat girls’ hearts!
Howl: Well, it can’t be said they don’t give them to me first –
Hermione: And what on earth did you do to that suit? It positively reeks of love magic; it’s like you washed it in Amortentia! But Amortentia would stain . . .
Howl: Oh, this suit? I just had a lady I know work on it a bit. No trouble, really.
Hermione: A lady you know? And what lady would agree to work love magic on someone who clearly would misuse it? It’s disgusting! (Rings bell.) Leave! Get out now!
Howl: Ah, if you had a heart in your chest, Hermione Granger, you’d know how badly you’ve just broken mine!
Hermione: I’d rather have no heart than let you eat it! (After he leaves:) Really, love magic in a suit! Despicable! (Pause.) I’d kill to know how she did it.
What am I doing here? What was Adam thinking? Really? Mercy has the crazy idea that I need to get out, interact with humans in a social setting to help my control. If I wanted to work on control, I would give up hunting deer for Lent. And speed dating?? How is speed dating a good idea?
Okay, this first woman is kind of hot in a cougar kind of way. Remember what Mercy said…
“Hi, I’m Ben.”
“Hello, Ben. My name is Cruella. That’s a lovely accent you have. I feel oddly drawn to you. Do you have dogs, perhaps a Dalmatian?”
“No, no dogs.That’s an…interesting coat you have…do you like to read?”
*ding*
“Hi, I’m Ben”
“Hi! I’m Snow. Wow, you’re tall. Do you have any shorter brothers or friends?”
“Umm…no.”
“Okay. How do you feel about living in the woods?”
“I love the woods! I spend time in the woods every month.”
“That’s wonderful! What do you do for a living?”
“I’m in IT.”
“Have you ever considered a career in mining?”
“Do you like to read?”
*ding*
“Hi, I’m Buffy…aren’t you a werewolf??”
“Maybe…do you like to read?”
*ding ding*
If Shallan from the Stormlight Archive by Brandon Sanderson met Eli Ever from Vicious by V.E. Schwab.
Shallan: Hello, I’m Shallan.
Date #1: Likewise. I’m Eli Ever.
Shallan: It’s nice to meet you Eli. What kind of work do you do?
Date #1: Are you an EO?
Shallan: Excuse me, a what?
Date #1: *begins to lean forward, hands clutching at the table* Have you ever experienced an inexplicable occurrence? Do you believe that you were the cause of it?
Shallan: *leans away, catching sight of fearspren on the table* I—I think you’re mistaken. In fact I believe I’m the wrong person.
Ding!
Shallan: I’m afraid you’ve wasted your time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I really must be going! *gets up from the table and makes a quick exit*
Shallan: *Vows to never allow Jasnah to talk her into speed dating ever again*
E. J. Jones, if you live in the USA, you win a book of your choice from our stacks.
Please contact me (Marion) with your choice and a US address. Happy reading!
There may be only one person who gets to choose a book, but you are all winners. There were AWESOME.