Throughout my normal day I have lots of silly thoughts. Those who know me are probably not surprised by that. I keep most of my silliness to myself. But not today.
Yesterday, while standing in the line at the grocery store, I was thinking about having supernatural editing powers. I could change checkout line magazine titles to read humorous things specific to the person standing behind me. Then I started wondering how to make a man-sized hamster wheel. Would it need some sort of breaking system? I’m not sure… but that’s not actually what I want to talk about today…
Today I’m wondering what kind of real-life job my favorite fantasy characters would have. Take Drizzt Do’Urden, the dark elf swordmaster from R.A. Salvatore‘s Forgotten Realms books. Drizzt is known for his spectacular sword play and acrobatic fighting prowess. I think he’d make a perfect Teppanyaki chef at your local Japanese steak house. Drizzt’s shrimp flipping and onion volcanoes would be known across the lands.
Who’s that behind the meat counter at Walmart? He’s a big dude, with long black hair and he’s scowling at a hunk of meat that needs to be cut for the old lady impatiently tapping her fingers on the counter. Why, it’s none other than Conan the Barbarian… err, Conan the Butcher, and the gods only know why the old witch won’t buy a bigger crockpot. By Crom, he hates this job and old ladies!
So, what would your favorite fantasy character’s day job be?
I’m a sucker for fantasy characters who really do have boring day jobs–Mackayla Lane in the bookstore, October Daye at the supermarket, Sookie at Merlotte’s…
But how about Edward Cullen, crossing guard. He doesn’t even need to wear the ugly orange vest to be reflective. ;)
Growing up in West “by God” Virginia, and Conan being near-n-dear to my heart, I always figured him to be a big hillbilly red-neck. He loves to drink after-all and he’s hails from a backward mountain people (which I guess the same could be said about me LOL). Except that he’s a little too ambitious. So I see him as being a country boy who left the mountains for work and eventually becomes a modern day mercenary.
Fitz Farseer (from Robin Hobb’s Farseer series): Animal trainer at Sea World.
Kvothe would be ……. wait for it …….. a struggling Musician.
Bet nobody saw that one coming!
Oh and I almost forgot, I did sheet-metal work on building roof tops, with an old guy named Roland, who was a dead-ringer for Roland from Stephen King’s Dark Tower series. He was so close in likeness -looks, fanatic attitude, and he was even half-crazy- that it was really creepy. I could tell you tales about this guy that you’d swear I was lying (he survived 8 brain aneurysms and I’m only scratching the surface).
So Roland is a sheet-metal mechanic. I know this first hand. :)
Greg, was he slinging that gun up on the rooftops?
No, but he was crazy with his claw hammer and he used to have shouting matches with Satan. He called him Booger. He swore the Devil was trying to make him cuss. Fortunately, I never over-heard Satan’s side of the conversation, just Roland’s.
I could see Locke Lamora applying to be a security guard in an expensive retail store, or at a bank…
Well, I just finished reading an Elric story, so I have to say that Elric of Melnibone would definitely be a philosophy professor.
i think hobbits would make excellent Jockeys…
I’m reading Among Thieves right now. Drothe could be a youth employment counsellor at a halfway house. He practically is already.
Tarzan would be a Vet
Greg–wait, Roland had a pet name for Satan?
Arithon s’Ffalen – rock star??
I’m pretty sure Elminster (from Ed Greenwood’s) series is the greater at Wal-MART or the bagger at Publix :)
Gandalf teaches high school chemistry. I guess that’s kind of obvious, but seriously, he’d be an awesome curmdegeony/enthusiastic/absent-minded professor.
Galadriel runs a perfumery.
Gollum works in a prison kitchen.
Gren, I’d love to have Gandalf as a chemistry prof! if you live in the USA, please choose a book from our stacks and send me (Kat) your address. Thanks for the comments, everyone!