Three Horror Films Featuring Killer Genitalia

Three Horror Films Featuring Killer Genitalia

We’re all adults here, right? Okay, then, here goes: On her Grammy Award-winning album of 1994, Turbulent Indigo, Joni Mitchell gave the world a wonderful song entitled “Sex Kills,” which was written during the height of the AIDS epidemic. In part, the song bemoaned the fact that something as simple and natural as the act of lovemaking could prove deadly to the participants engaging in it. However, what Ms. Mitchell was unaware of at the time, perhaps, was the fact that one horror film, and two more that would emerge in the next few years, had depicted/would depict not just the sex act as being lethal, but the very genitalia of an unfortunate person becoming dangerous and even willfully homicidal! Think I’m kidding? Just check out this trio of jaw-droppers that feature perverted private parts, deadly dongs and vicious vulvae, all for the viewer’s dubious delectation… 

ONE EYED MONSTER (2008)

Seemingly inspired by the Frank Zappa song “Bwana Dik,” with its memorable line “My dick is a monster,” 2008’s One Eyed Monster (the lack of a hyphen is annoying) tells a story that must be a first in the history of cinema. In the film, 10 people go to the wintry mountains of northern California to make an adult film, with porn legends Ron Jeremy and Veronica Hart serving as consultants. Problems arise when an alien force possesses Ron and painlessly makes off with his tubesteak, leaving the human tripod emasculated and quite dead. And then matters get even worse, as the alien-possessed wiener starts to attack and slay every one of the cast and crew! Anyway, as you may have gathered, this is probably not the best movie to sit down to watch with Aunt Petunia. Truth to tell, though, the picture looks a lot better than you may expect, its only cheapjack effect being Ron’s dismembered member itself. If you were anticipating Ray Harryhausen-like FX as regards this murderous appendage, forget it; what little we see of the darn thing looks like a wriggling dildo, at best. Still, many of the picture’s lines are pretty funny, the acting is surprisingly good, and there is even a sweet scene, in which Ron and Veronica reflect on getting older and not so spry, that is actually kinda touching. Russ Meyer stalwart Charles Napier almost steals this film, especially in the scene in which he tells of his experiences in Nam (practically channeling Robert Shaw in Jaws); that is, until Veronica walks away with the picture by demonstrating her superpower in the finale, her Kegel abilities doing for vaginal canals what Xenia Onatopp did for thighs! All in all, painless, goofy fun; like Night of the Living Dead, but with a killer schlong instead of zombies. Oh … the Liberation DVD that I recently watched looks just fine, and comes loaded with more extras than you could shake a (9 3/4″) stick at!

TEETH (2007)

There are certain flicks that I’m almost afraid to pop into the DVD player; 2007’s Teeth was one of them. And really, a film about a woman with the condition classically known as “vagina dentata” (Latin for “toothed vagina”) … it’s gotta give ANY guy reason to pause! As it turns out, though, I needn’t have worried, as the picture, despite some instances of grisly aftermath, is actually a beautifully shot, well-written, perfectly acted and very PC affair. In it, the viewer meets a pretty high school girl named Dawn O’Keefe, who is not only a virgin, but a leader of the local abstinence club. Dawn, as she soon learns after an unfortunate bout of date rape, is also afflicted with what the viewer can only infer is a vulvar mutation induced by the constantly billowing nuclear power plant coolers right behind her suburban home! Thus, heaven help the lusty lads and overly inquisitive Ob-Gyns who, uh, insert themselves where they have no business. Significantly, Dawn is perfectly capable of having normal, consensual sex; just don’t tick her off! Thus, this supremely empowered woman will certainly appeal to feminists of all stripes, and I was not surprised to see that Camille Paglia was a consultant for the film. Writer/director Mitchell Lichtenstein’s work is both assured and humorous here, and in a relatively no-name cast, Jess Weixler as Dawn impresses mightily as the understandably befuddled teen, who is both toothsome and, uh, toothsome. “No Man Was Harmed In The Making Of This Film,” the credits tell us, and I for one was relieved to see that! And speaking of Jaws, the picture does for date rape what Jaws did for swimming, and will hopefully make guys hesitate before forcing their “sexual favors” on their lady friends! Oh … and howzabout that supercool song by Chuck Prophet, “You Did (Bomp Shooby Dooby Bomp),” that plays over the end credits? Gotta get that one in my collection!

THE AMAZING TRANSPLANT (1970)

Perhaps a trained psychiatrist could help me understand why three of the films I have recently rented have had to do with what I can only call homicidal genitalia. First there was One Eyed Monster, in which the alien-possessed wiener of Ron Jeremy goes on a murderous spree. Then there was Teeth, about a teenage woman with the condition known as “vagina dentata.” And now … 1970’s The Amazing Transplant! The director’s credit in this film is given as “Louis Silverman,” but the picture’s use of unsynchronized dialogue, meaningless shots of inanimate objects, horrendous acting, bad fashions, garish decor, sloppy editing and an oftentimes non sequitur jazz score all demonstrate that the real “auteur” here must be none other than “the female Ed Wood,” Doris Wishman. During the course of this truly sui generis experience, the viewer meets Arthur Barlen, a young man with an unfortunate tendency to attack and rape any woman he encounters who is wearing gold earrings. The cause, as his detective uncle soon discovers by doing a little sleuthing (and I really don’t think I’m spoiling too much for potential viewers at this late date), is the penis transplant that Arthur had had three months earlier. During this bloodless procedure, Arthur remains fully conscious and even carries on a running conversation with the operating surgeon! Anyway, having previously suffered through five other Wishman epics – Nude on the Moon, Bad Girls Go to Hell, Another Day, Another Man, and the Chesty Morgan abominations Deadly Weapons and Double Agent 73 – I suppose I should’ve known what to expect here. Just call me a glutton for punishment. This DVD, by the way, from those maniacs at Something Weird, looks surprisingly fine – better than it deserves to – and, typical for this outfit, comes with some pretty wacky extras. The naval scare film on sex hygiene might just turn you away from intercourse for good!

Anyway, my FanLit friends, there you go … three films that just might make for one tremendous triple feature during this Hollow Weenie season. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, though, and stay safe out there, okay, kids?