“Vlad Mezrich” is a pseudonym for a team of Scholastic writers who pooled their satirical talents to create this fun little book (David Levithan is the editor). The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You parodies dating guides, teen-magazine quizzes, and most of all, current tropes in vampire literature. Twilight gets the lion’s share of Vlad’s snark, but there are references to Anne Rice, Bram Stoker, and others as well.
Aspiring Bellas and Minas will learn how to tell a vampire from an ordinary goth or emo boy, how to attract a vampire, how to convince him to make you his immortal beloved, and how to recognize the signs of a relationship gone south. In true teen-magazine fashion, The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You features advice, quizzes, horoscopes, and “testimonial” quotes from bloodsucking fiends and the girls who love them. These sections are interspersed with notes from a vampire slayer, who has a very different perspective on things!
While this is a lighthearted, fluffy book, it actually does a great job of highlighting some disturbing vampire-lit tropes. Stalking is not romantic, and a guy who is torn between loving you and killing you is probably not Mr. Right. I can sit here as a curmudgeonly adult reader and blather about this till I’m blue in the face, but “Vlad” makes the same point much more effectively with humor.
The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You is a quick read and a great way to kill an hour or two. It reminded me a bit of Neil Zawacki‘s How to Be a Villain: Evil Laughs, Secret Lairs, Master Plans, and More!!!, another satirical “how-to” book that gleefully skewers literary and cinematic clichés.