fantasy book reviews science fiction book reviewsThe Vampire Is Just Not That Into You by The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You by “Vlad Mezrich”

Vlad Mezrich” is a pseudonym for a team of Scholastic writers who pooled their satirical talents to create this fun little book (David Levithan is the editor). The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You parodies dating guides, teen-magazine quizzes, and most of all, current tropes in vampire literature. Twilight gets the lion’s share of Vlad’s snark, but there are references to Anne Rice, Bram Stoker, and others as well.

fantasy book reviews science fiction book reviewsAspiring Bellas and Minas will learn how to tell a vampire from an ordinary goth or emo boy, how to attract a vampire, how to convince him to make you his immortal beloved, and how to recognize the signs of a relationship gone south. In true teen-magazine fashion, The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You features advice, quizzes, horoscopes, and “testimonial” quotes from bloodsucking fiends and the girls who love them. These sections are interspersed with notes from a vampire slayer, who has a very different perspective on things!

While this is a lighthearted, fluffy book, it actually does a great job of highlighting some disturbing vampire-lit tropes. Stalking is not romantic, and a guy who is torn between loving you and killing you is probably not Mr. Right. I can sit here as a curmudgeonly adult reader and blather about this till I’m blue in the face, but “Vlad” makes the same point much more effectively with humor.

The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You is a quick read and a great way to kill an hour or two. It reminded me a bit of Neil Zawacki‘s How to Be a Villain: Evil Laughs, Secret Lairs, Master Plans, and More!!!, another satirical “how-to” book that gleefully skewers literary and cinematic clichés.

The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You — (2009) Young adult. Publisher: Are you in love with a vampire? Are you worried that you might not be his (blood) type? Do you wonder whether that cold stare means he isn’t interested … or if it’s because he’s been dead for three centuries (nothing personal)? Have you tried to coax him out of his crypt with a flash of your neck or a near-death situation that requires him to save you at the very last possible moment? Have you ever considered what it will be like to introduce him to your mother? Even though your vampire’s skin is transfixingly translucent, he can still be very hard to read. Sometimes he’s simply holding back his true feelings, resisting the urge to bite you in the chance that one day you will truly love him. And other times … well, he’s just not that into you. How can you tell? Undead dating specialist Vlad Mezrich has all the answers, utilizing quizzes, Top Ten lists, language analysis, real-life (and real-death) testimonials, and fancy charts to show you what you need to do in order to get your vampire and keep him forever. Once you go vamp, you never decamp — so let this eternally rewarding book show you the way to the vampire of your dreams.


  • Kelly Lasiter

    KELLY LASITER, with us since July 2008, is a mild-mannered academic administrative assistant by day, but at night she rules over a private empire of tottering bookshelves. Kelly is most fond of fantasy set in a historical setting (a la Jo Graham) or in a setting that echoes a real historical period (a la George RR Martin and Jacqueline Carey). She also enjoys urban fantasy and its close cousin, paranormal romance, though she believes these subgenres’ recent burst in popularity has resulted in an excess of dreck. She is a sucker for pretty prose (she majored in English, after all) and mythological themes.

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