Dear Karen Chance: Thank you for agreeing to do an author interview at fantasy literature.com on January 5th. Normally, I start an interview asking about an author’s childhood, work habits and hobbies and the like. But during my research, I noticed that someone has written the most extraordinarily frank and well researched answers to these questions on your website at www.karenchance.com
• Place you grew up? The land of make believe
• Work habits: Astonishingly lazy
• Morals: Prone to relationships with vampires (note: this may be more implied than stated)
• Hobbies: giving relationship advice to women. You even have a section about why relationships with vampires are so great (written from a female’s perspective, I might add). It is this last point I wish to blog about today by way of an open question for you to answer during your interview at fantasyliterature.com on January 5th.
The situation: In recent years, a, um, friend of mine has begun to suspect that my wife that is to say, his wife, a) has an ongoing relationship with a vampire; and b) that the vampire is Santa Claus. And before you scoff at this like everyone else, let me, present my friend’s evidence, which I think every rational person will agree is quite compelling.
- Santa Claus appears to be immortal.
- He only shows up at night and in a very sly and sneaky way.
- He has supernatural quickness and the apparent ability to mind wipe … my friend after every visit.
- He dresses in the color of blood, which is obviously in case of splatters.
- Just before he comes to town, my friend’s wife starts acting strangely: singing songs about joy, happiness and love, bringing live trees into the house, and eating lots of chocolate…
- Most damningly, every year, Santa Claus gives lingerie to my friend as a present but invariably when he tries it on, he discovers that it is not even in his size but his wife’s! And then instead of taking it back to the store for an exchange (as would be the obvious next step), his wife insists on keeping it as a memento of Santa’s visit. And then she starts slinking around in it when least expected in a very distracting way. And so as you can see, my friend’s fears about Santa Claus are well founded indeed!
Second: If you have a committed boyfriend or husband, is your significant other an actual vampire? And, if not, is he as insanely jealous as, um, my friend? And are there some vampires who he’s happy to see come around? Or are there some vampires (say, Santa Claus, as a random example) with whom he forbids you to relate at all?
Third, What do you say to the suspicions entertained by some (certifiably non-paranoid) husbands that vampires might be repeatedly mind wiping them every December? Is this an actual vampire ability? And are there long-term effects of repeated mind wipage? For instance, I notice that my friend frequently forgets where he puts things, and I (and he) are quite convinced this is ultimately somehow the fault of vampires. (Not that we’re bitter or anything).
And fourth, what advice do you (or your husband) have for spouses (such as my friend) who suspect that their spouses may be having a side relationship with a vampire?
Stay tuned for the answers to these and other weighty questions when we post her interview on January 5th. Karen will be stopping by throughout the day on the 5th to chat and answer questions; so please hold your questions for her until then. Meanwhile, for today’s discussion, I’d like to hear from you: Is Santa Claus an actual vampire? Yes/no? Evidence? And what about other famous public figures? Have you never wondered whether certain pasty-faced politicians are literal as well as figurative bloodsuckers? Tell us your thoughts for a chance to win another copy of Karen Chance’s Midnight’s Daughter (click here for Kelly’s review). By the way, I just had the chance to read her forthcoming sequel: Death’s Mistress (in stores on 1/5) and am pleased to report that it was the most entertaining UF novel I read during all of 2009. And that’s a lot of books! I actually had to stop reading several times for laughter breaks during the funny scenes.