Warprize: Beware the heart with the arrow through it

Warprize by Elizabeth Vaughan

Scenario: I’m in the library. It’s 5 minutes until closing. I’ve got to find a book fast. My library is a small neighborhood branch and there’s not a huge selection. There are plenty of fantasy books, but it’s hard to find one I haven’t read that’s not a sequel to something I haven’t read. I’m starting to panic as I’ve got only one minute left. I grab a book that has the little “fantasy” sticker on it (black unicorn with glowing horn dancing on a purple background) and it’s something I’ve never heard of before: Warprize by Elizabeth Vaughan. It seems to be the beginning of a trilogy. I grab it and I run to the check-out counter. Phew.

I get home and take a closer look at my find: The publisher listed on the spine is covered by the glowing unicorn, so I turn to the title page. There’s a picture of a heart with an arrow through it, and underneath is the declaration: “Tor Romance.”  I roll my eyes and groan. I don’t like romance novels. But, I’ve got nothing else to read, so I decide to give it a try because even if I don’t like it, at least I can use the review on this website. . .

Actually, the story was pretty good for a romance. The writing was lively and active, the characters were interesting, deep, and well-done. Ms. Vaughan has a way of making them come alive with well-described mannerisms and facial expressions. The main female character is feisty and likeable, the main male character is a barbarian warlord (how hot is that?). The story was interesting though, other than the purple unicorn sticker, it didn’t have many fantasy elements. I suppose we call this “low fantasy,” but my speculation is that some romance authors call their work fantasy so they can use a completely made up world which requires very little historical research. (I’m not accusing Ms. Vaughan of this in particular, it’s just an aside.)

But now I know what it is I don’t like about romance novels. It’s not that I don’t like romance. I DO like romance, I consider myself a fairly romantic person, and I like romantic sub-plots in my fantasy — they aid characterization and help us to empathize. What I DON’T like is that romance novels all have the same goal. We’re just waiting… and building tension… and getting all hot and bothered … until finally… The hero and heroine hit the hay. It’s always the same climax. (Sorry for the bad pun, but I hope you appreciated the alliteration).

In a romance novel, the romance is the main plot (I guess that’s why they call it a romance novel, eh?) and everything is written around it just to provide a context for the physical relationship. So, as a rule, romance novels are not known for being excellent literature, and this novel doesn’t break the rule. But it does break several grammar rules, and elementary ones, too. For example:

Incorrect usage:

• “But experience had been a hard teacher, harder then Eln had ever been.”
• “His broad, round face was
• grim, and while not as dark as the man on the cot, he was darker then most.”
• “The expressions ran the gauntlet from pity to amazement to mirth.”

Run-on sentences:

• “It was early enough the market was not crowded.”
• “The tent seemed to glow it was so bright.”

Verb tense changes:

• “After I passed Anna’s inspection, and been given a quick hug, . . .”

There are other issues: spelling errors, pronouns missing their direct objects, possessives missing apostrophes… I could go on, but I won’t. (You’re welcome.)

No matter how high-spirited the heroine, or how hunky the hero, I can not forgive these sorts of mistakes. They are too distracting and it’s inexcusable. How does it happen that a published author doesn’t know basic fourth grade grammar? Perhaps the mistakes are just typing errors, but why didn’t Tor’s editors catch them?? Unbelievable! SHAME ON YOU, TOR! I will not be reading any more Tor romances.