The Everything Box: Truly, deeply, madly hilarious

The Everything Box by Richard Kadrey

With The Everything Box, Richard Kadrey has made himself at home in the territory occupied by Christopher Moore. And by “made himself at home” I mean he’s kicked in Moore’s door, settled down on the couch, drunk all the booze, eaten all the chips and reprogrammed Moore’s DVR. Now Kadrey is looking across the hall where the Pratchett and Gaiman novel Good Omens lives, and saying, “Yoo-hoo, anybody home?”

Comic novels are hard, and for some reason science fiction or fantasy comic novels are even harder. There’s something about the need for a coherent magical or scientific system, and calibrating the need for a plot that is compelling without being too dark, that adds layers of complication. Add to that the fact that comedy itself is just hard, and you have a challenge that many fine writers just can’t meet. Most of Kadrey’s novels, especially the SANDMAN SLIM series, have humor, but The Everything Box is a straight-up comic novel, and Kadrey delivers.

Shortly after the Great Flood, an angel is sent to earth with a weapon that will destroy all life on earth. God sent the angel, because God is fed up with humanity. Somehow, the angel loses the weapon (it’s a box). Fast-forward four thousand years to Los Angeles, where Coop, a thief who specializes in stealing magical artifacts, has just been ratted-out by a so-called friend. After a short stint in prison (a special, underground prison for magical and paranormal criminals) Coop is freed and made an offer he can’t refuse. The box has surfaced, and Coop must steal it.

Of course Coop isn’t the only person who wants the box. There is a government agency called the Department of Peculiar Sciences — the acronym is pronounced “Dopes;” there are two doomsday cults; there is the original angel who is still trying to carry out his mission… and there is the Stranger, who is irritated by rivers because they are just too wiggly. The story is a full-throttle heist story, full of capers, gags, double-and-triple crosses, and bake sales. Yes. Bake Sales.

Is it funny? Well, here’s a story; my husband had gone to bed and I stayed up reading. When I reached the part where Beelzebub and Leviathan first appear, I started laughing out loud. To myself. Alone.

But don’t take my word for it:

…Wexford had produced so much gold so quickly that he almost bankrupted the European economy. The Inquisition leaked a false version of the formula and alchemists around the world have been trying to re-recreate the original ever since. This was how Fresca was invented. 

And:

Qaphsiel folded the map and put it in the pocket of his windbreaker. “Stealing cable can hardly be compared to the doom of mankind.”

“The cable company certainly acted like it was the end of the world,” said the old woman. “They threatened to call the police.”

And this, which might be more of an in-joke for those of us who know and love San Francisco, as Coop and his team meet in a dive bar:

“Too bad this isn’t up in San Francisco,” said Tintin. “Those tech types? They love dive bars. You could charge them twenty bucks for a can of Pabst. Call it ‘an artisanal classic.’”

Coop’s Los Angeles is a lot like that of Stark, AKA Sandman Slim, and Coop’s particular magical ability is neat. I don’t know if I’ve read another book with a character with that particular trait. For a criminal and a character who thinks of himself as a loser, Coop is a decent guy, and the team he picks is full of interesting characters.

I could be wrong about the book. Possibly, the rush of oxygen to my brain from laughing so much has impaired my judgment, but I don’t think so. The Everything Box is a flat-out good time. As you know, I am stingy with five stars. Usually five-star books are ones that have changed my world view in some way. While I really hope that’s not what’s happened here — I’d hate for my worldview to be affected by people like the followers of Caleximus — the book gets five stars for delivering on its premise so completely, and being relentlessly funny. It is truly, deeply, madly hilarious. If you like fantasy and you want to laugh, get this book and read it now.